Just Listen

by - September 22, 2020

Being a Good Listener

Before you start reading this post, i'd like to apologize for any grammar and writing errors and i'm so sorry for the sudden appearance with this kind of post which is NOT SO me LOL. I've checked my writing using an app before publishing this so i can proofread and learn but, you know, sometimes such apps can't be trusted either😌. Well, i don't know why, but i feel like i have to improve my writing skill (esp. in English) so the idea to share this has suddenly just crossed in my mind. My friends keep telling me to not to be afraid over things that require mistakes to help us learn and grow—especially in learning foreign languages. So i encourage myself to write this as best as i can. Maybe next time i'll write one with Japanese😬. Semoga bisa sedikit mengobati rasa kangen (jiaah sapa juga yang kangen yak😆), dan memberi sedikit warna baru di blog gue. Cheerio! xx

o-o

I recently watched a video on YouTube whose created by my favorite musical actress ever. Her YouTube channel contains videos about music and light lessons, a kind of sharing videos with inspirational thoughts that help us to grow, to reflect, to think, to unlearn, to relearn, and to get to know more about ourselves and our lives. I actually have started some other videos before, but today i decided to go for episode 3 which is about Listen

I think it's such an interesting topic to talk about in my blog because you know... nobody is born the same way, nobody wakes up the same way, nobody goes to sleep the same way, nobody's days go exactly the same, even if you spend the entire day with someone. So, it really is the most amazing gift to be able to listen and to realize there's always different perspective of life that we have to listen to—aaaaaand to share with each other😜.

Speaking of listen, have you ever had a conversation that put yourself in situation to think 'i must give her/him some response' in order to make them feel comfortable or even only to assure them that you are being presented at the moment? I personally have been there for almost all the time—before i realized that such habits and attitudes are actually bad enough to have.

Why is it bad to have? 

Doesn't that mean we are being responsible for responding to them?

I know, for some people this might be the best solution to come up with another response just to make the others feel better, but you ended up not really listening to them because your brain is busy to accumulate and to adjust what kind of response will you say, what kind of advice that you want to give, without really hearing and understanding the context and the story. If you think you can still hearing what exactly they say while trying to find words to respond,  that would be good. But what if you're not? Here the thing is. 

Even since childhood, at school, we were trained to always answer every question that our teachers asked, without really knowing what the best answer to say was. Well, they never actually have us answer some questions without knowing the context, but we're unconsciously trained to become ones, weren't we? Every time our teachers ask some quizzes, instead of really hearing what they say and comprehending the topic, we're busy memorizing so many theories we have learned just to make the teacher feel satisfied with our answers. In fact, we didn't really listen to them. We were just busy thinking about the responses and answers that we should have given.

Now in conversation, again, we're often times thinking of the next thing that we're gonna say. Whatever they're saying, the sparking something in us that makes us want to speak. Here another misconception about good listening is when we listen and go 'oh, i understand, that happened to me!' then we always start going into our story. Even though we think we're saying 'oh yes, i totally understand! I hear you, i understand because...', this couldn't make our friends feel comfortable at all. As soon as you say 'because', it's now become about you and your story and there's nothing we can even learn about being a listener. Of course, there's a time for you and your story, but this might not be it. Not when you don't have the urge to say, and not when you are being needed. This might be the time that you're listening to somebody else.

For me, this kind of mindset can eventually lead us to become the selfish one, who doesn't really care of what others are feeling at the moment, and what they've been through that makes them wanna share their stories with us. Because in the end, it's all about us, not about them and the stories we have to listen to.

Have you ever imagined and reflected on yourself that everything happened in your life, after all these times, it's only about you, about your story, your ego, and your perspective? I mean, any time we get depressed and exhausted, maybe this isn't because of someone else that you think it is? Maybe it's all because of us who can't deal with the situations, people, and egos that have brought the negativity into our minds. This is why we have to really listen (even to ourselves) every now and then.

So how do we listen?

Listen without judgment, listen without coming up with the response that you're gonna already say. Just really listen. Train yourself to think, what if i'm listening to listen? Not listening to respond. 

Then choose to get quiet sometimes and hear all the voices that are talking to us constantly, the ego that telling us you aren't enough, and the ego that telling us you're the best thing that ever been. Yash, there's always some spectrum telling you to be this and that, to take the black side and the white side, being energized and exhausted. Therefore, we listen to be more aware that there is always something in between and it is the time to look at many different perspectives between the two sides.

Some may suggest you to meditate (as mentioned in the video), but since i've never tried this one, i'd like to advise us to sit down with the intention of listening to the only voice that is worthy of being listened to. 'That' voice always speaks to us. It's not just listening to listen, but it's listen to hear. 

Since Bandung has recently been in the rainy season, before goes to sleep, i usually pause myself for a moment to just listen to the sound of water droplets from pipes, the sound of crickets and other insects, or even the sound of the rain itself—to the extent that i can hear the sound of my own heart beat. Somehow, when i let myself to be involved and attached to everything around me, i feel more alive and being present. I feel like they're listening to me listening to them, and it becomes a cycle of listening. Eventually, when we are open to hearing, we will also be heard with openness.

This cycle actually also happens when we are in a situation as someone who wants to be heard. Before we share stories, in order to avoid some misunderstanding with one another, i think we should make sure our partners at first, what are we really want by telling them these stories, since there are many of us who have different concepts about listening. Do we just want to be heard? Or do we actually need support and advice to be more motivated? 

So, if you just want to be heard, tell them (IMO, this isn't the only way to tell someone how your feeling is); "I want to share this with you not because i want to give you such a heavy burden. I just want you to listen, so don't push yourself so much that you think you have to encourage me by saying kind words when you actually don't have to." 

However, if you expect them to respond to you, this could be a problem (or could be not) for you. Why? Because we can't control how people are going to react towards us, we can't get them to read our minds just because we share the stories.

So what can I say?

Tell them that you "might need their advice and encouragement," which may make you feel better, "but don't take this as a burden to you because i don't want you to feel that way. Take it easy and if you don't mind hearing me, i'll be very happy." Then, the rest we can do is do not put expectation too high on them because we already said it truthfully with openness. Is it possible for them to be open to hearing us? It is very possible because the cycle never ends.

You know people say a lot that we have to think twice before you speak, right? What if (at least start from now) we listen twice before we speak? Because sometimes, when we listen once and listen again, we hear it—of course, depends on the context in which occasion you are in and who you're talking to, but it is also worth to 'listen' twice before we speak

Lastly, we live on the same planet, but it's a completely different world. When you don't know what to do, listen. When you feel uncomfortable, listen. Not just listening to everybody around you, but 'listen' to the knowing inside of you. There's a knowing that might be telling you actually simply to listen. Who knows?


It is you who know.


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24 komentar

  1. Very insightful teh aina! Sepakat banget, sering terlupakan 'mendengarkan diri sendiri' thanks for sharing🤘

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    1. Hehe, seneng bisa sharing😁. Sesekali jangan lupa take your time di sela2 kesibukan untuk mendengarkan diri sendiri, ya! Thanks Hasna udh mampir!❤️

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  2. Awl... Akhirnyaa kamu kembali nulis. Kembali membaca tulisan kamu yg panjang tapi penuh makna.

    Betul, terkadang mendegarkan itu terkesan mudah di lakukan padahal tidak selalu begitu. Bahkan terhadap diri sendiri juga belum tentu dilakukan.

    Aku pun kadang ga mendengarkan diri aku sendiri. Merasa harusnya begini dan begitu, sesuai standar orang. Padahal perlu juga tanya dan dengarkan diri sendiri. Bukan selalu dengar apa kata orang.

    Selalu suka baca pemikiran kamu dengan topik sederhana tapi bisa dianalisis lebih dalam.

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    1. Hola mbak Deeeev!👋🏻hihi.
      Tantangan terbesar bagi kita ya mbak untuk bisa selalu mendengarkan, di tengah-tengah banyak 'noises' di sekitar kita yg bikin nggak bisa sepenuhnya mendengarkan. Semoga selalu dalam setiap percakapan, baik dengan diri sendiri atau dengan diri lain, kita punya kendali yg lebih untuk bisa lebih mendengarkan dan lebih bisa menempatkan diri bagaimana sebaiknya merespon😄.

      As always makasi banyak mbak Deev! Hehe kurang lebih sama kayak topik yg mbak tulis tentang "Be Genuine"😍. Aku merasa relate banget dan lagi-lagi dibuat kagum sama tulisan mbak, bahwa kata atau frasa sependek apapun dan sesingkat apapun ternyata bisa melahirkan makna yg begitu luas dari berbagai perspektif. Makasi juga mbak Dev sudah sharing yaa🤧🤗

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  3. Akhirnya, si adik kecil kembali... Pekabar Awl.

    Pertama : kalau belajar bahasa, jangan takut berbuat salah karena kalau begitu kamu tidak akan pernah mencoba dan akhirnya tidak belajar. Jadi, lanjutkan..!

    Kedua : butuh "keahlian" khusus untuk mau mendengar Awl karena orang-orang di zaman sekarang, kebanyakan, justru ingin tampil dan mau didengar.

    Ketiga : saya biasanya akan menyimak kalau ada orang bercerita, walau tentang diri sendiri. Hal itu biasanya saya lakukan karena merasa lebih baik daripada saya yang berbicara.. hahaha

    Keempat : nah, soal respon, saya sih tidak mikir harus respon gimana, apa yang saya dengar dari cerita orang tersebut akan direspon apa adanya, dengan fakta dan bukan sekedar untuk menyenangkan.

    But, tiap orang berbeda dalam menangani. Bukan juga sebuah kesalahan, menurut saya mah, kalau ada orang merespon sekedar supaya orang yang bercerita merasa lebih baik.. why not? Bikin orang senang juga tidak ada salahnya..

    Btw, welcome back Awl..

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    1. Ehehehe halo kak Anton, apa kabarnyaa?😁 Alhamdulillah sejauh ini masih sehat wal 'afiat kak, wkwkwk.

      Siaaapp, mudah2an bisa konsisten buat nulis postingan semacam ini sesekali. Saya juga sering dinasihati (atau lebih tepatnya dimarahin🤣) teman untuk jangan takut salah kalau belajar bahasa soalnya, jadi, pepet teruuuus😆.

      Keahlian mendengar ini sebetulnya memang susah2 gampang apalagi dengan terlalu "bising" nya situasi sekarang, seperti yg kak Anton bilang, bahwa zaman sekarang orang-orang cenderung lebih senang tampil daripada di balik layar. Tapi ibarat yin dan yang, saya bersyukur ternyata masih banyak orang-orang yg memilih mendengarkan daripada banyak berbicara, seperti kak Anton😁. Mungkin pada akhirnya dari situ kita bisa menyeimbangkan diri dan belajar satu sama lain, bagaimana seharusnya menjadi pendengar yg baik, dan kapan saatnya kita bisa menjadi pendengar—gak selamanya jadi bagian yg bicara:') Selain itu, topik-topik ringan seperti ini mungkin sedikit bisa membantu untuk siapapun yg membutuhkan sedikit refleksi. Sebab saya terinspirasi menulis ini dari video-video di yutub dengan topik serupa yg dibuat semenarik mungkin😂.

      Oh iya, untuk respon sendiri saya juga setuju kalau kita bisa memberi tanggapan yg (paling nggak) bisa membuat lawan bicara menjadi lebih baik (karena saya juga begitu kak, hehehehe). Sebetulnya lebih ditekankan untuk santai aja dalam mendengarkan, alias jangan terlalu sibuk dan khawatir nggak bisa menenangkan orang lain lewat tanggapan yg seringkali malah jd bikin pusing sendiri—berangkat dari pengalaman pribadi soalnya, hahaha😂.

      Akhir kata, terima kasih banyak, kak Anton sambutannya!😆😂

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  4. Awl akhirnya kembali nulis lagi.. Seneng sekali aku!
    Ayo semangat 🎉🎉

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    1. Well, I wanna comment on your blog with English too. Please correct me, if my grammar is wrong 😅

      I think, your writing is good. Your sentences are simple, not 'ribet'. So, I can understand your idea.

      Then, i will wait your next writing in Japanese. I have learnt abaout Japanese when i was junior high school, but my skill is very very 'cetek' wwkwkwk

      Last, maybe i will make some English writing too, like you. Hahaha

      Thanks for your sharing 😀

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    2. Halo kak Dodo! hahaha iyaa nih, banyak sampah-sampah pikiran yg mengendap jd ujung2nya harus ditumpahin kesini🤣.

      Wkwkwkw that 'cetek' word, i thought it was 'armpit' since i spelling it as 'ketek' lol😆

      Mudah2an bahasa Jepangku masih nyangkut di kepala jadi bisa dituangkan juga disini ASAP ya kak, hahahaha Aamiin, daku pun masih cetek bet soalnya🤧. Well there's nothing i could even correct though, cuz my english skill is still cetek either, wkwkwkw. That's why pemilihan kata2nya sangat2 simple😂

      Btw, kutunggu juga English postnya kak Dodo! Hehe semangat!🔥✨ thanks for sharing😁

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    3. Semoga bisa terealisasi bulan depan yaa hahaaa

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  5. Welcome back, Awl! Senang melihat kehadiranmu di sini :D

    Semangat ya untuk terus menulis dalam menggunakan bahasa Inggris! Awl pasti bisa!

    Memang perkara mendengarkan dan menjadi pendengar yang baik itu nggak mudah ya tapi makin ke sini semakin banyak orang yang sadar untuk belajar menjadi pendengar yang baik bagi diri sendiri dan orang lain.
    Semoga kita bisa menjadi pendengar yang baik ya, Awl :D

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    1. Kak Liaaaa, thanks a lot! Siaap semoga bisa konsisten ya nulis kayak gini:D

      Betul banget kak, mungkin karena kita lebih seneng kalau mulut kita diisi (sama makanan misalnya) jadi kitapun punya kecenderungan untuk nggak bisa diam kalau ada orang bicara di deket kita. *analisa apaan ini bawa2 makanan hahaha*. Tapi yess Aamiin, semoga kita selalu menjadi bagian dari orang2 yang mau untuk mendengarkan instead of fokus ingin "membenarkan";D

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  6. Wah! Bener banget nih. Kadang kalau lagi cerita sama temen nggak minta pendapat, cuman minta didengeri doang Haha.

    Anyway, you are great to wrote this in english! Keep sprite🌸

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    1. Halo kak ichaa, haha berangkat dari pengalaman ya kak. Kalau lg cerita pengennya didenger aja, tapi kadang secara nggak sadar cerita kita malah tergerus sama cerita2 lain, huhu.

      Anyway juga, makasi banyaak kak! Udah lama juga gak bersua ya kita:D

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  7. Awwwlll.. welcome back!

    jujur, aku akan lebih suka jadi pendengar sih, dari pada harus bercerita. Kalaupun ada orang yg harus mendengar keluh kesahku yaa.. saudari kembarku :')

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    1. Halo kak Rizkyyyy, thank u so much! Pakabarnya nih?:D

      Aku selalu penasaran gimana rasanya punya saudara kembar haha, bisa lebih saling kayaknya ya kak? Apalagi usiapun gak terpaut jauh, bisa saling mendengarkan dan saling bercerita hehe, so sweet:')
      Kalau aku pribadi bingung lebih milih yang mana, kayaknya in between aja deh wkwk. Soalnya kalau orang yg cerita isinya relate sama ceritaku, kadang suka jadi ikut berkeluh kesah juga. Mungkin kedepannya harus bisa lebih menempatkan diri aja:')

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  8. Hi Awl,

    Welcome back �� senang lihat tulisan terbaru Awl setelah sekian lama hehe. By the way, kakak setuju sama Awl, kadang kita terlalu fokus bicara sampai lupa untuk mendengar. Masalahnya kebanyakan orang lebih tertarik bicara daripada mendengarkan seenggaknya itu yang terjadi di sekitar kakak setiap kali ada perkumpulan �� Ibarat yang bicara 5 mungkin yang mau dengar hanya 1 saja hahahaha *curhat*

    Dan kakak juga setuju dengan komentar mas Anton karena kadang itu yang kakak lakukan. Merespon untuk membuat yang direspon merasa lebih baik ~ hehe asal lihat-lihat dulu karakter yang direspon dan topik apa yang memang butuh direspon. Some people need it dan apabila itu membuat mereka senang, why not untuk dilakukan (sesekali) hehe ��

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    1. Hi kak Enooo, long time no see! Hehe udh kayak bertaun taun aja ya:D Kakak gimana kabarnyaa?

      Walah bener juga ini, kalau lagi ngumpul sama temen2 kadang suasananya lebih kerasa rame, karena satu ngomong sini ngomong, padahal yang si empunya cerita pun belum beres ngomong haha. Betul sih, kita memang harus bisa menempatkan diri aja pada situasi apa harusnya sebuah respon dilontarkan. Kalau lawan bicara ceritanya tentang hal2 yg sifatnya gak serius kadang jg kita greget pengen nimpalin soalnya:D

      Dan yepp, akupun setuju soal ini, kak Eno. Ibaratnya jangan terlalu santai sampai bikin pembicara seolah nggak merasa didengarkan, dan terlalu pusing harus mikirin banget bisa kasih respon atau nggak jg sebaiknya nggak perlu. Yang paling penting tau porsinya masing2, dan kalau bisa menyenangkan orang lain dengan kalimat yang baik kenapa nggak, hehe:D *mau pake banyak emot tp lg pake laptop jadinya cuma bisa senyum lebar doang hohoho*

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  9. Ah, Aina, tulisan yang menarik. Kadang suka mikir juga tentang pertanyaan seorang guru,"kenapa kita dikasih dua telinga tapi hanya satu mulut?". Awalnya terdengar biasa saja dan cenderung klise. Tapi tulisanmu ini banyak memukul saya.

    Kadang, saya juga merasa terbebani jika teman saya cerita. Saya cenderung ingin memberi masukan atau saran tentang apa yang akan ia lakukan. Seakan-akan, langkah kakinya bergantung pada apa yang saya katakan. Jangan-jangan, ia hanya butuh teman yang ingin mendengarnya. Thanks, Aina 🖤

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    1. Halo, Rahul. Sebelumnya terima kasih, ya!:D

      Pertanyaan serupa pun dulu sering saya dengar dari guru saya (gak nyangka pepatah ini ada dimana mana wkwk), dan kurang lebih sama seperti Rahul, menurut saya kata2 semacam itu terlalu sulit buat dilakukan karena terlalu klise. Ternyata setelah diresapi dan dijalani, nggak sesulit itu untuk benar2 mau mendengarkan orang lain. Sebagai makhluk sosial, terkadang kita memang menganggap kalau ada orang yg bercerita itu artinya butuh dinasehati, butuh diberi saran, atau butuh "pertolongan". Padahal pertolongannya sesederhana didengarkan saja. Semoga kedepannya kita lebih bisa menempatkan diri bagaimana menjadi pendengar yg baik ya, Rahul;)

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  10. Hai Kak Awl! Salam kenal.

    Setuju bangeet, kadang orang cenderung berbicara apa yg ada pikirannya setelah mendengar seseorang bercerita. Padahal, belum tentu orang yang bercerita butuh untuk diberikan respon atau pendapat.

    Selama ini, ada percobaan kecil yg selalu kulakukan saat teman-temanku curhat ke aku. Setelah mereka curhat, pasti aku akan bertanya "Kamu butuh advice dari aku kah?" Kalau dia jawab iya, aku akan mencoba membantu dengan pendapatku. Tapi kalau tidak, aku hanya akan mendengarkan sampai ia selesai. Percobaan ini selalu berjalan baik.

    Aku pun lebih senang mendengarkan orang lain dan berharap makin banyak orang yang terlatih untuk mendengarkan orang lain, karena siapa tau mereka membutuhkan.

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    1. Hai kak Jez! Salam kenal yaa😊👋🏻 hihi aku bingung enaknya manggil kakak apa, kalau salah boleh dikoreksi ya kak baiknya manggil apa, biar nyaman juga😂.

      Wah, ide yang bagus tuh kak percobaannya! Serius!✌🏻
      Aku pribadi belum berani sampai ke tahap tersebut karena hati-hati banget ngeliat situasi dan kondisi, mungkin kedepannya juga aku akan coba hal yg sama. Supaya gak ada miskomunikasi sama temen yang cerita, semisal dia gak senang dengan respon kita (yang dipaksakan ada) kan jadi malah buat nggak nyaman kedua belah pihak. Siklus "listening" tersebut bener-bener nggak bekerja hanya untuk si pendengar pada akhirnya. Thanks for sharing ya kak!😍

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  11. haiiii awllllll
    yampun baru kayak kapan hari aku buka blog kamu, belum ada postingan, eh sekarang tau tau udah nongol, kayak ketinggalan cerita aku nih

    tulisan ini seperti menampar diriku sendiri, kadang aku kalau lagi dinasehati atau "diceramahi", untuk hal hal tertentu yang bertentangan dengan diri sendiri, suka aku anggap masuk telinga kanan, keluar telingan kiri.
    kadang malah seperti pura pura ndengerin tapi kayak blank aja gitu tiba tiba.

    semoga aku bisa menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik lagi dalam hal mendengar dan kalimat yang aku lontarkan juga bisa di dengar dengan baik oleh lawan bicara

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  12. Holaa Awl, welcome back ❤

    Since I know you're gonna spending time and focus on your study, aku nggak pernah ngintip-ngintip lagi kesini, tadi iseng buka tanpa berharap apa-apa ternyata aku udah kelewatan banyak tulisan hehehe.

    Lucky me, Awl. Aku jarang banget respon curhatan teman dengan bilang "Oh I understand what you feel, because...." seingat aku nggak pernah. Selama ini kalau mereka curhat aku akan dengerin, kalau aku nggak tahu mau komen apa, dengan jujur aku bilang aku bisa ngerti perasaan dia tapi nggak tahu mau ngomong apa, atau aku peluk aja. Yang curhat sama aku kebanyakan adalah sahabat dekat, they are mean the world to me, jadi ketika ada yang curhat berarti mereka memang butuh. Alhamdulillah, sejauh ini aku masih bisa menyikapi curhatan mereka gimana, lihat sikon juga Awl.

    Tulisan yang baguuus Awl ❤❤

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